Spreadsheet Page Blog

 A Functional IMAGINARY Tale

I've been sleeping on a COT for a MONTH NOW because I don't have any CLEAN SHEETS LEFT. So TODAY I went looking for SHEETS -- SUMPRODUCT that offers REAL VALUE for the DOLLAR. The MEDIAN cost varies in different AREAS, so I got on the Internet AND did a SEARCH to LOOKUP SHEETS. There were many to CHOOSE from: ROWS of every TYPE of SHEET you can think of, EVEN in the MID PRICE range. I thought it would take DAYS, but I got lots of INFO in a MINUTE. Excellent WEBSERVICE.

functionsIt wasn't a WORKDAY, so I decided to visit a local store. I found the ADDRESS AND saw their SIGN. Shopping isn't something I do with any FREQUENCY, but SUM times, it seems like the RIGHT thing to do.

I found some SHEETS and told the clerk, LEN FISHER, that I could FIND a LOWER price online. He looked at the CEILING, sighed, and said, "NA, I can’t MATCH it ACOS I’m NOT the manager AND don’t have the PROPER POWER OR RANK. I must CELL it at the EXACT PRICE that’s listed, not a DOLLAR LOWER -- AND that’s a TRUE FACT. Can you SUBSTITUTE something else OR must it be the EXACT PRODUCT? Perhaps some rat POISSON? OR a slice of PI?"

"IRR . . . that makes no sense. Are you for real?" I asked.

"Yes, sir, IMREAL. Hold on a SEC AND I’ll send a TEXT message using our secret CODE AND try to ROUNDUP the FLOOR manager."

"BAHTTEXT!" I wondered: ISTEXT the best method of contacting him?

Apparently so, because the store manager appeared within a SECOND. He was just ROMAN ROUND, checking out the store. He was a TRIM man with LARGE ABS, a dark TAN, AND a moustache on his UPPER lip. The TYPE who likes to look in the MIRR. Nothing special about his eyes, though. Just STANDARDIZE.

"My name is MAX T. PEARSON. Is there SUM way I can help you TODAY?" he asked with a smile.

I showed him the SHEETS AND said, "Hello, I’m KURT N. BESSELY. I just want to buy DPRODUCT, AND your employee won’t YIELD on the PRICE."

The manager said, "To you, that ISODD AND probably seems off-BASE, but it ISLOGICAL to me because of our store policies. Be assured, however, that you can COUNT on me. I won’t waste your TIME with FALSE promises, AND I have CONFIDENCE I can help. Buying SHEETS shouldn’t be that COMPLEX, AND I want you to be satisfied to DMAX. Wanting a discount isn’t a SIN. IF you'd like a LOWER PRICE, just ASC."

"IF you do me a SMALL favor AND LOWER the PRICE by five PERCENTILE buy the SHEETS," I offered.

"No PROB," he replied.

Net EFFECT? I give MAXA lot of credit for a better than AVERAGE shopping experience. He FIXED the problem, AND the store has a CONVERT. I spent less than an HOUR shopping, RECEIVED good service, AND I RATE them highly. I'll be back during their end-of-year sale that runs from OCT2DEC.

Best of all, I was able to REPLACE my SHEETS, AND I don’t use ACOT. When the FORECAST calls for a drop of 30 DEGREES, I like to be under COVAR with a LOG burning in the fireplace for the DURATION.

Permalink | Posted in General on 19 February, 2013 3:28pm

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