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"Not just an education… a career."

Welcome to Spam University, the world’s top-rated educational institution for the growing spam industry.

Are you tired of your dead-end job? Want to make some big-time cash without actually working? Earn the money you deserve in the exciting and fast-growing spam industry.

At Spam University, you’ll earn while you learn. Our hands-on curriculum will teach you time-proven spamming techniques:  Everything you need to make a name for yourself in the fast-paced spam industry.

Are you up to the challenge?

Click the links on the left to find out more about Spam U. Better yet, send us your email address so we can provide you with lots of helpful information.

Dr. Arnie "Smarmy" Stanford,
Dean of Spam University.

Join our mailing list!

To receive more information about Spam University, just fill out the form below.

Email Address:

Credit Card Number:   Expiration Date:

Don’t delay. Apply today.


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Admissions

Spam University receives thousands of applications every month. Regretfully, we can’t accept everyone who applies. Consequently, we have stringent requirements for acceptance.

We’ve found that the best Spam U students have the following characteristics:

  • Attended at least four years of elementary school.
  • No more than three felony convictions
  • The ability to count to 20 without removing your socks
  • Toilet-trained (at least for #2)
  • No more than 36 tattoos
  • Familiarity with computers (i.e., you’ve seen one in a store or on TV)

If you meet these qualifications, we encourage you to apply. Even if you don’t meet these qualification, you should apply anyway. You never know…

Just send your name, address, phone number, email address, and a check for $249.95 to cover the application processing fee.

Spam University
Admissions Office
P.O. Box 144
Youlose, MS 38861

And if you somehow managed to get a credit card, we accept those too.


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The Curriculum

Spam University offers a comprehensive and well-rounded educational experience for people from all over the world. Spam U graduates send out billions of spam emails every day of the year. You probably have a few dozen in your inbox right now!

Degrees Offered

Spam University offers both undergraduate and graduate degrees, and is fully accredited.*

  • B.S. – Bachelor of Spam
  • M.S. – Master of Spam
  • Ph.D – Phony Doctor of Spam

Each degree comes complete with an official diploma, suitable for framing (frame not included).

Courses

Following is a partial list of courses offered at Spam University. Request a Spam U Catalog for a complete course listing (only $24.95).

  • The History of Spam
    Required course. Gain a historical perspective on your chosen profession. For example, you’ll learn that the term SPAM is actually an acronym for Stupid People Always Multiply (and that’s a good thing).

  • The Science of Writing Subject Lines
    Discover the secrets to writing successful subject lines, such as "Why Pay More?", Viagra 1/2 Off!", and the ever-popular "ÂÖåó ÇèóÌØáù Æб»ÛýÀ."

  • Harvesting Email Addresses
    This course covers basic and advanced methods of email address harvesting, including Web sites and Usenet groups.

  • Spam Buzzwords
    You can’t be a spammer if you don’t know the vocabulary. This course covers "must know" industry buzzwords such as direct email marketing, harvesting, bulk email, opt-in, privacy policy, free speech, list removal, partners (and partnering), e-commerce, and (of course), $$$$$.

  • Covering Your Tracks
    Nobody wants their spam to be traceable. This course teaches you various ways to hide your identify and stay out of jail trouble.

  • Spamming Ethics – Canceled
    Ethical issues facing spamming professionals.

  • Porn Spam 101
    Learn how to promote your porn site using spam. One of our most popular courses.

  • Porn Spam 202
    Learn how to promote your porn site with effective graphics (Porn 101 is a prerequisite).

  • Avoiding Spam Filters
    Required course. Your spam is worthless if it’s filtered out. (Remember: every 100,000 clients who filter out your spam costs you $0.02 in expenses!). Learn the professional techniques that ensure your spam will be seen by real human beings.

  • Statistics For Spammers
    Learn how to calculate response rates. Requires a calculator that displays at least 16 decimal digits. If you don’t know what a decimal digit is, you should not take this course.

  • Political Spamming
    One of the fastest-growing categories of spam is political spam. This informative course examines political spamming techniques in detail. As you’ll see, spammers and politicians have much in common.

  • Body Part Enlargement
    Learn how to promote male "member" and female "boobie" enhancement products. One of our most popular courses.

  • Using Viruses To Send Spam
    Learn how to use other people’s computers to send your spam. Register early. This class will fill up quickly.

  • Basic Accounting For Spammers
    In this course, you’ll learn just enough accounting to keep the IRS off your back.

  • Selling Pharmaceuticals Via Spam
    You’ll learn how to write spam to sell tons of Viagra, Xanax, Valium, Phentermine, and Placebo.

  • Selling Loans By Using Spam
    Convincing people that they need a loan has always been a popular spam topic, and we’re seeing a resurgence of interest, especially among those who are unemployed (former dot-com idiots) and have poor credit (former dot-com idiots). This course covers this topic in detail.

*Federal accreditation represents the highest form of globally accepted, legal and valid accreditation of a college or university, and the validity of awarded academic degrees. Spam University is accredited by the TEU, the GGFT, the AALRU, the PITGA, the NNHFCU, the AFFGU, the SGA, the PGA, and the NFL.


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The Campus

Spam University is located in beautiful Youlose, Mississippi.

Students from all over the world flock to Mississippi, which is often considered to be the intellectual capital of the the U.S.

Spam University campus.
Note: The actual campus may not resemble this photo.

Campus Amenities

  • Restrooms
  • Ashtrays
  • Parking lot
  • Trash cans
  • Coke machine (Coke and Sprite)
  • Water fountain
  • Classrooms
  • An extensive research library
  • Used book store
  • State-of-the-art Computer Center

 

On-Campus Housing

First-year students are required to live on-campus, in our modern high-tech dormitories. Best of all, plenty of free parking is available.

Recreation and Student Activities

Spam University students have access to a wide variety of wholesome (and educational) recreational activities and sports.

 

 


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Alumni

Thousands of Spam U graduates are now successfully employed as spammers. Most of them started their coursework with little or no knowledge of the spam industry.  But, upon graduation, they were well prepared to face the challenges and opportunities of spamming.

Research confirms that a Spam U degree pays dividends. Here are the results from a recent survey of Spam University alumni.

Spammer, earning > $500K per year41%
Spammer, earning $300K – $500K per year27%
Spammer, earning < $300K per year19%
Employed by Microsoft8%
Employed in a non-spam industry3%
Unemployed2%

Testimonials

But don’t take our word for it. Read what our graduates have to say about Spam U.


Teddy King
B.S. ’02


"I was working down at the Quickie Mart for about 12 years or so, and then I got fired for something I didn’t even do ($100 missing from the till). It was the only career I ever knowed, so I didn’t know what to do. My old lady told me to check out Spam U and get me some education."

"Studying all that book-learning crap wasn’t easy (and I ain’t exactly no Alvin Einstein), but now I’m making a whole lot more money than the stupid Quickie Mart makes on a good day (usually Fridays are good days, depending on the payday schedule and the lottery)."

"And you know what? You don’t even have to sell no product. Just send out a few million emails and act like you’re actually selling something cool (like Viagra). Pretty soon, the money starts rolling in like friggin’ magic. She it."


Arnie Jones
B.S. ’01


"If it weren’t for Spam U, I’d probably be in jail. No, I definitely would be a jail. I was planning to rob a bank. I bought my ski mask. but no gun (Doh)!. But then I saw a flyer for Spam U laying on the ground. I picked it up and had it read to me. It changed my life. It really did, I mean it. Seriously. I realized that I didn’t have to resort to a life of crime. I could earn lots of money and not even break the law."

"So I took all of the classes, and now here I am — a spammer. And I’m doing damn good at it. I even wear a tie when I send out my spam just because it makes me feel more professional."


Debbie Dell
B.S. ’03


"I used to be a model for a stock photography agency. My photo has appeared in thousands of ads throughout the world. For a while, I was even a celebrity. It was a good life, but now I’ve found a better life. I’m a spammer."

"Spamming is much easier. I get to wear whatever I want (no more of that stupid hat that covers my forehead!) and I no longer have to take directions from photo assistants. Oh yeah, and the money’s a lot better too."


Jim & Melinda Parker
B.S, M.S. ’02


"We’re known by some as the Cowboy Spammers. Melinda and me actually met at Spam U. We was both taking the Body Part Enlargement class, and we just sort of hit it off. We got hitched right after graduation day, and now we have a successful career sending out spam. It really ain’t that hard, and I’ll tell you what – it’s lucrative as all get out. We hardly know what to do with all this money. Sure beats working on septic tanks. Yippee!"

"What Jim said." – Melinda


John Walkenbach
Ph.D. ’03


"Unlike most of the students in my class, I had some morals and ethics when I entered the University. But they evaporated after about two days, thanks to the amazing professors I encountered. I learned that spamming is a way of life. It’s the wave of the future, and it’s the solution to most of life’s problems. I display my Spam U diploma with pride."

"Forget about blogs. Forget about spreadsheets. And forget about Microsoft (unless Bill is serious about his new "Spam Machine"). Spamming is the best thing that ever happened to the Internet."


Anonymous
M.S. ’01


"I’m a well-known spammer, but I can’t tell you who I am. I’ve received some death threats, and I fear for my life and my Lexus. But I ain’t gonna stop spammin’. No siree."

"I done found me the world’s best job and I’m making lots of money. You wouldn’t even believe how much. So go ahead and kill my wife and dog if you want, just don’t kill me (or harm my Lexus). I’m making way too much money to die so young."


James R. Cox
B.S, ’99


"You’re never too old to start a new career. I was a successful trademark attorney, but when I turned 74, the Alzheimer’s was starting to affect me real bad. So I enrolled at Spam U. It took me seven years (plus one semester) to graduate, but it was worth it. Now I’m making good money as a spammer, even though I can’t remember a goddamn thing anymore."

"Did I tell you that you’re never too old to start a new career?"


Jim Kloss
M.S, ’03


"OK, OK… So I was a big shot for a day. Then, one trip to Vegas, and I’m a nobody again. I had to go back to my old job — running a worthless music webcast in friggin’ Alaska, for god sake. I didn’t earn any money. None. Nada. Hell, it cost me money."

"I was a stupid moron — dumber than the dumbest, stupidest, most uneducated retard. Esther finally had the guts to tell me to get my life together. So I wised up, moved to Mississippi, and went to school. I learned a few things that have nothing to do with PHP programming. And I learned a lot about life (I was so wrong about so many things)."

"Now I’m a successful spammer, and I have more money than I’ll ever need. Hell, I might start on that Alaska theme park idea. Oh yeah, and we’re talking plenty of chicks, too. And they even bring me free beer. Rat-a-tat-tat. Shake my friggin’ hat."


Jeroen Dutchman
Ph.D.,’02


"I traveled all the way from The Netherlands to attend Spam U. I was away from my wife and kids for seven years, and I had to live in Mississippi (no dikes, no tulips, no wooden shoes!). But it was worth it. I am now the top Dutch spammer, and I am rich beyond my wildest expectations. I have mucho Euro in my burrow. But best of all, I’m proud of myself and my honorable occupation."

"Mag ik jou bier lenen?"


Bucky Sparks
B.S.’01


"Yep, after I had my ear surgery I went back to school. I graddiated and now I’m a successful business-type man. Ma said it would never happen, but she be wrong bout that. The best thing I learned in them classes is that no matter how stupid you is, there’s always gonna be more people who are even more stupider than you are. And that’s a fact."


Maude Popper
B.S. ’02


"After my Claude died, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was lonely. Empty. I missed him so much."

"One of the gals at the beauty parlor (a redhead) told me about Spam U. I decided to go back to school and learn myself a trade. Now I’m a professional spammer and I have a lot of money. I don’t even miss Claude no more."

 


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Athletics

Although Spam University is best known for its highly-acclaimed academic programs, the university also excels in athletics. Spam U has won 12 athletic championships since 1995.

Go Skunks!

Spam U Athletic Caps, only $24.95


Basketball Toss

Future spammers Bob Marks and
Tim Simmons on the roundball
court.

Air Hockey

Hockey. It’s a dangerous sport, but hard-
core spammers don’t seem to mind.

Pinball

Got a quarter? The action is
fast-paced in this highly
competitive game.

Yo-Yo

Greg Thomas demonstrates his
world-class yo-yo prowess. Can you
say "rock the cradle?"


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Special Events

Spam University periodically sponsors special events for our students and faculty. Here’s a summary of the events planned for this academic year.

The Famous Spammers Roundtable

The Famous Spammers Roundtable is one of our most exciting events. Leading spammers from across the world gather for a lively discussion of issues that affect the spamming industry.

Legendary spammer Alan Ralsky will be on campus
and take part in a Spammers Roundtable.

The participants in this event are not your common everyday spammers. These are the cream of the crop, and each one of the participants is listed on the prestigious ROKSO List at Spamhaus!

Here’s a partial list of well-known spammers who have agreed to participate this year:

  • Alan Ralsky

  • Bernard Balan

  • Bubba Catts

  • Husein Gandhi

  • Laura Betterly

Everyone is invited to this event, which will be held during the Fall semester (the exact data and time to be announced).

Admission: $60.
Large cookies will be served ($2.75 each)

Partnering With Microsoft

The biggest event on campus this year will be a special appearance by Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.

Bill "Bill" Gates will demonstrate Microsoft’s upcoming "Spam Machine." This amazing device consists of special hardware and software that will make spamming easier than ever. And that means more money in your pocket, and more students enrolled at Spam U.

"The Spam Machine is capable of churning out more than 1 million spam emails per hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And best of all, these messages are 100% untraceable," said Gates.

Gates will also provide the details regarding the exciting new "Spam Partnering" program that will revolutionize the spam industry.
Admission: $200.
Medium cookies will be served ($2.49 each)

Coping With Rejection

We’re pleased to announce that the world’s most prestigious psychologist, Dr. Joyce Brothers, will deliver a speech to the student body during the Winter semester.

Topic: Copying With Rejection.

  • Being a spammer can be depressing. For example, it’s not uncommon to find that 99.985% of your potential clientele hates your friggin’ guts. Dr. Brothers will explore ways to deal with the depression and cope with potential rejection.

Here’s an example (no charge) of the type of advice you’ll receive:

"No matter how much pressure you feel at work, if you could find ways to relax for at least five minutes every hour,  you’d be more productive." – Dr. Joyce Brothers, Famous Psychologist

(Note: Laughter not allowed during the speech.)

Admission: $100.
Small cookies will be served ($1.95 each)

Spam U Summer Concert Series

This year’s outdoor concert series will be the best ever. We’ve finally managed to book Jody Carver and Johnny Cucci, fresh from their "Hot Club of America" tour. The highlight of the show will be their rendition of "We Spam and We Don’t Give a Damn."

Join them for an evening toe-tapping and finger-snapping music you won’t forget.

(Note: Red jackets are required)

Admission: $30 and $60.
Miniature cookies will be served ($.75 each)

Graduation Day

The highlight of the academic year, of course, is graduation day.

Our hard-working students put down their books. They enter the working world and begin their spamming careers. It’s a time of joy, and a time of new beginnings. And the world becomes a better place to live.

 Here’s a lovely graduation day poem, written by one of our recent grads.

I learned some writing
I learned some grammar
From this day forward
I’m a full-blown spammer

The photo below was taken at last year’s graduation ceremony. This year’s even promises to be even bigger and better.

Admission: $50
Bring your own cookies.

 


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Privacy Policy

We at Spam University respect your privacy. Yeah, right. We respect it about as far as we can throw it.

We collect as much personal information as we possibly can. We use cookies, brownies, Twinkies, infrared sensing and hidden cameras. Whatever it takes to find out about you and your pathetic Web surfing habits. Oh yeah, and several different spyware programs have been installed on your system.

By viewing this page, you agree that we can do whatever we damn well please with your personal information. Sell it. Give it away. Trade it for cheap beer. Auction it on eBay. Give it to our "partners." Whatever. You also agree that we can kill you, if the need arises, and sell your body parts on the black market. And we can use your car anytime we want.

This privacy policy may change at any moment, so you should probably check back about once per hour.

This is a legally-binding agreement. If you don’t like it, hire an attorney (starting rates = $175 per hour). Ha-ha.

Jokes

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