The 3rd Annual Nigerian
EMail Conference

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."

* OFFICIAL CONFERENCE PROCEEDINGS *

I AM DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL THE CHIEF ACCOUNTING OFFICER OF A BANK. THE FINANCIAL STATEMENT OF OUR BANK IS OVER US$130,000,000.00 (ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) AND THE CURRENT ASSETS OF OUR BANK IS RELATIVELY LIQUID RESOURCES.

I HAVE ATTENDED THE FAMOUS NIGERIAN EMAIL CONFERENCE WITH ZEAL, AND I HEREBY SUBMIT A DETAILED SUMMARY OF THIS MOST WORTHWHILE ANNUAL EVENT. WHAT I REPORT IS HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL AND REQUIRES UTMOST URGENCY. *

I AM A VERY RESPONSIBLE AND RELIABLE MAN.

7 November

MRS. DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL (WHO IS MY DEVOTED WIFE OF 17 YEARS) AND MYSELF ARRIVED IN ABUJA BY DRIVING A BORROWED VEHICLE. THE JOURNEY REQUIRED 26 HOURS OF TRAVEL TIME DUE TO MECHANICAL PROBLEMS AND THE LACK OF A RELIABLE MAP OF THE REGION.

THE HOTEL STAFF PROVIDED US WITH A MOST SAFE AND SECURE PARKING LOCATION FOR THE VEHICLE AND WE WENT TO OUR ROOM, TIRED AND WORN FROM A LONG BUT ULTIMATELY SUCCESSFUL JOURNEY.

WE ARE NOT ACCUSTOMED TO THE LUXURY WE FOUND AT THE HOTEL. WE WATCHED SEVERAL PROGRAMS ON THE TV AND EVEN MADE USE OF SOME OF THE FREE WATER THAT WAS AVAILABLE IN A SEPARATE SMALL ROOM (WHICH I LATER LEARNED WAS CALLED A BATHROOM).

THE TV WAS MOST DELIGHTFUL AND ENTERTAINING. I MUCH PREFERRED THE HUMOROUS PROGRAM KNOWN AS THE FLINTSTONES, BUT MRS. DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL ENJOYED THE MORE MODERN TOM AND JERRY SHOW.

EVENTUALLY, THE TV CEASED RECEIVING OF BROADCASTS, AND WE WENT TO SLEEP ON THE BED IN ORDER TO BE FULLY RESTED FOR THE BIG DAY AHEAD.

8 November (Day 1)

I AROSE EARLY AND FOUND MY WAY TO THE CONFERENCE CENTER WITH GREAT ANTICIPATION. MRS DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL REMAINED IN THE HOTEL ROOM, OF COURSE. ARRIVING EARLY WAS A GOOD PLAN BECAUSE THE BREAKFAST CRICKETS WERE MOST POPULAR, AND THE LATE ARRIVALS WERE REQUIRED TO EAT THE HARD-BOILED CHICKEN’S EGGS.

I ATTENDED THE FIRST INFORMATIVE SESSION AND LEARNED THAT UPPER CASE IS THE BEST AND MOST PROFITABLE SOLUTION FOR WRITING EMAILS. OF THIS I AM CONFIDENT. THIS LESSON WAS TAUGHT TO ME BY MR. BACHIR SIAKA, A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS MAN WHO IS PICTURED HERE. AS YOU CAN SEE, I HAVE ADAPTED THAT TECHNIQUE ALREADY, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS NOT AN EMAIL. IT IS NOW MY FIRM CONVICTION THAT UPPER CASE IS EXCEEDINGLY IMPORTANT FOR ALL WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS.

AFTER THE FIRST CONFERENCE SESSION, I DECIDED TO SKIP THE REMAINING SESSIONS. i JOINED MRS. DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL IN THE FINE HOTEL ROOM AND WE WATCHED TV FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE DAY AND INTO THE EVENING, UNTIL THE BROADCAST CEASED AGAIN. WE WERE BOTH ENTERTAINED BY A RABBIT NAMED BUGS. WITH NO TV LEFT TO ENTERTAIN US, WE RETIRED TO REST UP FOR THE EVENTS OF DAY 2. THIS TIME WE SLEPT ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE IT IS MORE COMFORTABLE AND FAMILIAR TO US.

9 November (Day 2)

ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE CONFERENCE, I WAS DISMAYED TO LEARN THAT BREAKFAST WAS NOT PROVIDED. BUT FORTUNATELY I WAS ABLE TO FIND THREE FRESH CRICKETS ON THE HOTEL LAWN. AFTER DINING, AND WITH A FULL STOMACH, I MET WITH SEVERAL DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES, IN CONFIDENCE.

THE MEETING WAS MOST AMICABLE AND PRODUCTIVE, BUT WE DID NOT HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS OUR EMAIL BUSINESSES. I AM SADDENED TO REPORT THAT SEVERAL FIGHTS BROKE OUT DURING THE MEETING. THIS IS THE INEVITABLE RESULT OF HEALTHY COMPETITION WITHIN A THRIVING INDUSTRY. WHEN THE FIGHTING CEASED, SOME OF THE CONFERENCE ATTENDEES REQUIRED MEDICAL ATTENTION. THOSE WHO WERE NOT INJURED OR KILLED SOON BECAME GOOD FRIENDS WHEN WE BEGAN DRINKING AT THE HOTEL BAR. IT WAS A LATE NIGHT, AND I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT ONLY TWO PARTICIPANTS WERE TAKEN TO JAIL.

10 November (Day 3)

I SLEPT LATE ON THE THIRD DAY OF THE CONFERENCE BECAUSE I WAS NOT FEELING WELL. BY THE TIME I AROSE, CAPTURED TWO MORE CRICKETS, AND MADE MY WAY TO THE CONFERENCE CENTER, THE CONFERENCE HAD ALREADY ENDED.

I RETURNED TO THE LUXURIOUS HOTEL ROOM AND WOKE UP MRS. DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL. WE WATCHED SOME MORE TV AND THEN WE DROVE OUR BORROWED VEHICLE BACK TO OUR MODEST HOME.

ALL IN ALL, THE CONFERENCE WAS A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS AND I AM CONFIDENT THAT I WILL MAKE MORE MONEYS IN THE COMING MONTHS AS A DIRECT RESULT OF THE NEW EMAIL TECHNIQUE THAT I HAVE LEARNED AND ADAPTED AS MY OWN. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE NEXT YEAR’S EVENT, WHERE I WILL LEARN EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL TECHNIQUES FOR MY THRIVING AND PROFITABLE EMAIL BUSINESS.

PERHAPS I WILL LEAVE MRS. DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL AT HOME NEXT YEAR SO I WON’T HAVE TO WATCH THE TOM AND JERRY SHOW (IT WAS GOOD, BUT I MUST ADMIT THAT I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONFLICTS THAT AROSE BETWEEN THOSE TWO SMALL ANIMALS).

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

I AM DR. ABOLO EMMANUEL

* THE INFORMATION IN THIS MESSAGE AND IN ANY ATTACHMENTS, CONTAINS CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION AND IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR THE ATTENTION AND USE OF THE NAMED ADDRESSEE (S). IT MUST NOT BE DISCLOSED TO ANY PERSON(S) WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION. IF YOU ARE NOT THE INTENDED RECIPIENT, OR A PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR DELIVERING IT TO THE INTENDED RECIPIENT, YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO AND MUST NOT DISCLOSE, COPY, DISTRIBUTE, OR RETAIN THIS MESSAGE OR ANY PART OF IT.

Nigerian EMail Association

©Copyright 2003
NoMojo Marketing Corporation
"Using free trade zones since 1998."

The 3rd Annual Nigerian
EMail Conference

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."

Like most Nigerians, you’re probably finding that it’s increasingly difficult to earn a decent living from email. That’s why you need to attend the 3rd Annual Nigerian EMail Conference.

"This conference is an investment in your future. Learn to take advantage of modern technology, and make a great deal of money with very little effort. If you have any question, please contact me and I will send you a proposal that may be of interest to you. I await your response by return while assuring you that the transaction is absolutely risk free."

– Dr. Collins Mbadiwe

Preliminary^* List of Events

As in the past, this conference
has something for everyone.
You will hear presentations by
some of the world’s leading
Nigerian Email businessmen
and businesswomen.

Following are just a few of the
many events that are scheduled.

• Breakfast Kickoff Session:
  Your choice: A hard boiled egg, or two slices of white bread and a cricket.

• Keynote Address:
  Dr. Hamza Kalu’s adds some historical perspective in his keynote address: "From Postal Scams To Email Scams: We Have Come a Long Way Infant Child."

• Debate:
  Attend  a lively debate between Lady Mariam Abacha and Mr. Godwin Oyathelem. Topic: "The effectiveness of using all UPPERCASE characters."

• Practical Discussion:
  Mallam Mahmud Abacah answers the question, "Are 10 million emails a day too many?"

• Competition:
  Other countries are now adapting our business. Is this a threat or an opportunity?

• Tech Session:
  Mrs. M Sese-Seko reveals valuable secrets in her session titled, "Those Pesky Email Headers"

• Commerce:
  Find out how banking systems throughout the world operate — with special emphasis on money transfers.

• Linguistics:
  Damn, spam, scam, sham. And more rhymes in the "sticks and stones" category.

• Telecommunications:
  Soliciting via cell phone text messaging: Can it work?

• Accounting:
  The taxman he’s a comin’: Keeping good and accurate records.

• Open Discussion:
  We will resume last year’s high-spirited discussion of unionization, including health benefits.

• Workshop:
  Grammatical errors: What’s the optimal number?

• Statistics:
  Dr. Kayode Naiyeju presents his ground-breaking research: "Analyzing response rates using analysis of variance: That pesky R-squared value," as published in The Nigerian Journal of Applied Statistics.

• Economics:
  A round table discussion: Is email now Nigeria’s top export?

• For Newcomers:
  View an entertaining PowerPoint presentation that describes how to get started in this lucrative business, with no initial investment!

• Hand-on Session:
  Experts critique your emails, and offer valuable tips.

* The actual schedule of events and participants depends on various trial outcomes and extradition hearings.
 

Register Now!

Registration is via a confidential money transfer.

Send your bank’s name, account number, your name, address, telephone number, and fax numbers. Please note again that this transaction is strictly confidential and as such should be kept secret. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free.

Kindly send the requested information (in complete confidence) to:

Nigerian EMail Conference
c/o Abuja Sheraton Hotel Abuja
Ladi Kwali Way Abuja, NG PMB 143

Nigerian EMail Association

©Copyright 2003
NoMojo Marketing Corporation
"Using free trade zones since 1998."

OK. The joke’s over. Nothing more to see here.

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