Lotus Cartoon

[Item URL]

Are you old enough to remember when this was slightly humorous?

Cartoon by Gabe Martin (Reproduced with permission).

Are You A Spreadsheet Junkie?

[Item URL]

You might be a spreadsheet junkie if...

• Your doctor recommends an IV - and you think of the last column in an Excel 2003 worksheet
• You try to press Alt+F4 when you need to close your car window.
• You think the song "Home on the Range" refers to cell A1.
• While driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they don't appear to be valid cell addresses.
• Your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!" -- and you chastise her for omitting the "else" clause.
• You think the fifth integer is "Windows"
• You are reading a book and try to press Ctrl+PgDn to get to the next page.
• You get in an elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
• The numbers 8,192, 16,384 65,536, 1,048,576 have special significance to you.
• Your dog's name is "Macro."
• You try to enter a formula into a word processing document.
• You actually use one to balance your checkbook.
• Your reaction to the question "Are you saved?" is certainly not one the preacher expected.
• You have a web browser bookmark for http://spreadsheet page

Spreadsheet Poems

[Item URL]

A lovely little formula:

=((A1+B1+C1+(A2*SQRT(B2)))/C2)+(A3*B3)=(C3^A4)+B4

The formula above is actually a poem:

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared and not a bit more.

And here's another one for gardeners:

You may spreadsheet in columns
You may spreadsheet in rows
But the more you spreadsheet
The faster it grows.

Pilot Joke

[Item URL]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles, looking for a landmark. After an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window, "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies, "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and makes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers are relieved, and ask the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore, that must have been the Microsoft Excel support office. I know that, from there, the airport is three minutes away on a heading of 87 degrees."

Spreadsheet Taglines

[Item URL]

Use for email signatures, forum posts, etc.

• "You never finish a spreadsheet. You just stop working on it."
• "A macro does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do."
• "Excel NEVER cras"
• "Microsoft Orifice: It blows! It sucks!"
• "Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, develop spreadsheets."
• "You never understand VBA, you just get used to it."
• "Accountants do it between spreadsheets!"
• "To err is human. But to really foul things up, you need Excel."
• "Lotus 3-2-1: The Spreadsheet For Dyslexics"
• "Spreadsheet users do it in the Lotus position."
• "Definition: Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise."
• "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." (Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal)
• "Word Perfect isn't, Excel doesn't, Works won't."
• "It's easy to make mistakes using formulas. But if you really want to foul things up, write a macro."
• "Old spreadsheets never die; they just lose some of their functions."
• There are two ways to develop error-free spreadsheets. Only the third one works.
• Spreadsheet Developers: Solving today's problems tomorrow.
• Hit any user to continue.
• The spreadsheet industry is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Spreadsheet Anagrams

[Item URL]

These were generated by the Internet Anagram Server

Headset Press Spreads These Had Pee Stress Sad Sheep Rest Shape Dessert Ape He'd Stress Spare Ted Hess Heed Trespass She Tape Dress

He'd Step Sears Shred Sea Pest He'd Press East Ah Deep Stress Rash Seed Pest Has Speed Rest She Dessert Pa Pa Dress These She'd See Strap

Pass Red Sheet She'd Pass Tree She Speed Star Steep Ass Herd Ass Shred Pete She Pet Red Ass Herpes Ass Ted He Sat Depress See Trash Sped

Cannibal Joke

[Item URL]

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains.

The sign in the shop read:

Brain Type	Price per Pound
Artist Brains	$ 9.00
Philosopher Brains	$12.00
Scientist Brains	$15.00
Spreadsheet Developer Brains	$29.00

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those spreadsheet developer brains must be quite tasty!"

The butcher replied, "Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how many spreadsheet developers you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

Spreadsheet Consultant

[Item URL]

A spreadsheet consultant died and went to heaven. There were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the consultant was, and greeted him warmly. St. Peter took the consultant up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The consultant said, "I like all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you're 193 years old!"

Ellen Feiss Uses Excel

[Item URL]

Remember those Ellen Feiss ads? This isn't one of them.

If this makes no sense to you, you're not missing much.

VBA Humor

[Item URL]

What's so funny about VBA? Well, depending on your sense of humor, maybe this...

Programming Nihilism

Dim Everything as Object

If Everything Is Nothing Then
    MsgBox "This is a paradox of the Object-Oriented universe."
End If

Sub and Function Names

Sub MachineGun ()

Sub Stitute ()

Sub Marine ()

Sub Human ()

Function Ality ()

Declaration Statements

Dim Lotus(1 To 3)

Dim Wit, TheLights

Public Exposure

Dim Julian As Boolean, King As String, Kong As Long 

Dim BaseballCards As New Collection

Dim Mouthful as Byte

Dim Dewey As Decimal

Dim DatingService As Single

Public Nudity As Graphic

Dim Trouble As Double

Static Cling, Electricity

Dim Rope as String

Dim Bones, Bones, DryBones

ReDim HisRights

VBA Statements

On Error GoTo Hell

If IsMissing(InAction) Then GoTo MilkCarton

If IsNull(Warranty) And Void Then BuyaNew1

Cocktail = Abs(Vodka)

SendKeys "Because I'm locked out"

Synergy = Whole > Application.Sum(ItsParts)

Brightness = Array("of", "light")

Yield = Right(OfWay, 2)

Perfect10 = DateValue(Tiffany)

If(IsEmpty(Head)) Then GoTo School

WoodenHouse = Log(Cabin)

Kill("SomeTime")

Heart = Val(Entine)

RaiseEvent Hell

Brittney = Space(Cadet)

Seek(AndYeShallFind)

Lonely = Left(Out, 1)

OnWithThe.Show

DeadActor = Dir("WoodKirby")

Call MeACab(Hansom)

Application.Run "Away"

GoodIdea.Copy

Wallpaper.Paste

Range("HomeOnThe").Activate

Lubricant = Shell("\Oil")

Mismatch = Round(Sqr(Peg), 0)

Actor = Val(Kilmer)

Map = Rand(McNally)

GoTo Jail

Do
  Walk Backwards
Loop Until Christmas

Thanks to the following, who contributed some of this material: Allen Browne, Frank Isaacs, Bill Manville, J.E. McGimpsey, Bob Umlas.

Page 3 of 4 pages
[Previous page]   [Next page]