J-Walk & Associates, Inc.

Excel Function Names

I was reading some of my old posts at Daily Dose of Excel, and found this, from 2006: Function Name Contest Winners. It was a contest:

Post a clever sentence/paragraph using only the Excel function names. You can make the functions plural, use simple variants (such as "ing" and "ed"), and even add a few minor non-function words (a, the, etc.) to facilitate coherency.

The winning entries were:

• Chip: LOOKUP TODAY AND CONVERT - CHOOSE NOT SIN, ERROR, OR FALSE SUBSTITUTEs - REPLACE SIN's POWER NOW!
• Ken Clifton: TRUE FACT, TODAY KURT AND DELTA PEARSON CHOOSE on a WORKDAY to TRIM a SMALL FALSE UPPER CEILING, AND EVEN CLEAN an ODD YIELD SIGN, for a SECOND TIME, IF on a WEEKDAY TRENT FISHER FIXED the IMAGINARY SKEW EFFECT AND SLOPE of the ROWS on a LARGE LOWER FALSE LOG TYPE FLOOR, AND IF the EXACT PRICE would OFFSET OR MATCH the TRUE MEDIAN PRODUCT VALUE OF an AVERAGE ROUND ROMAN DOLLAR.
• Frank: TODAY's NOT the RIGHT DAY AND NOW's NOT the RIGHT MINUTE; I'd LIKE to CHOOSE a PROPER TIME.

This contest was pre-Excel 2007. The new Excel 2007 functions would not have made it any easier: CUBEKPIMEMBER, CUBEMEMBER, CUBEMEMBERPROPERTY, CUBERANKEDMEMBER, CUBESET, CUBESETCOUNT, CUBEVALUE, SUMIFS, AVERAGEIF, and AVERAGEIFS